Bad X-mas Advice for Awful People
It’s Christmas time again and if you’re anything like me, you’re currently sitting in your underwear, and desperately guzzling your last mouthful of Beer-nog (a concoction you should be ashamed of yourself for inventing) in a last-ditch attempt to get into the Christmas spirit. But unfortunately, like that triple-amputee kitten you guilt-saved from your local pet shelter, you’re having trouble summoning it to you. Maybe it’s because you’re getting older, maybe it’s the miserable weather, or maybe it’s because you just caught the end of “The Polar Express” on cable and are now too terrified to blink. No matter the reason, the results remain the same. Christmas blows, and it’s everybody’s fault but yours.
“But Expendable”, you say referring to me by my internet handle and shortening it in a way that renders it gibberish, “what am I supposed to do about it? I’m already drunk on Beer-nog and rum balls.” To which I say, “I don’t even know who you are, pushy stranger. However, since I like your moxie I’ve decided to present these awesome tips on how to survive the holidays.
Tip 1. Get Drunk
Dealing with drunken relatives at family events is one of the most irritating inevitabilities of the holidays. Being around a loved one while they slur nuggets of wisdom at you in the form of homophobic epithets and incestuous come-ons is consistently awkward, embarrassing and sexually intriguing. To make matters worse, if you do end up in the unfortunate position of being stuck talking to one of them, you may as well clear your schedule for the rest of the night; you’re about to hear a description of their life in such loving detail it could rival a trekkie’s Spock/Kirk slash fiction script. It doesn’t matter what mundane aspect of their life they’re discussing either; the legend of how they ran out of toilet paper last week will rival a goddamn Tolkien book by the time they’re finished dramatically telling you about it. But despite how much discomfort they inflict on other guests or how many “good napkins” they soil, there’s always at least one person still having a great time. Them. Because frankly, once the scowling faces of family members merge into a beautiful swirl of colour, it’s hard not to feel the Christmas spirit welling inside you.
Tip 2. Lie.
So you’re not where you thought you’d be when you were making all those New Year’s resolutions twelve months ago. Who cares? So you don’t have a girlfriend, a house or a complete 100% control of your bladder; you’re happy with who you are. At least that’s what you think until that bitch Aunt Judy starts asking you how everything’s been going lately. So you tell a little white lie. Something along the lines of, “No, my Meth-Lab wasn’t shut-down by the feds,” or, “I don’t run a Meth-Lab” or even, “No, I can’t offer you a great deal on some top quality meth.” Before you know it you’re caught in a web of lies. Your life is suddenly fantasy world in which you have a good job, a steady girlfriend and a toilet that doesn’t double as a “breakfast nook”. And what’s the cost of these terrible falsehoods? Nothing, probably. Realistically, you’re not seeing any of these people again for at least another year, and by then you’ll have made something of yourself. Right?
Tip 3. Start a fight.
Like with all plans, if steps 1 and 2 fail there’s always an option 3, unless there’s not, I guess. So now you need some way to distract from all of your drunken debauchery and pathological lying. Tip 3 is fairly simple; you just need to start a fight amongst you family. As everyone knows, beneath the loving façade of every family lays a “powder keg” of pent up resentment and a “cartoon TNT plunger” of moral one-upsmanship. Simply use this knowledge to deflect conversation away from you and your obvious failings. I mean, maybe it’s time to remind your Uncle about the money he owes your parents. Your Aunt Rita used to be a drug-addict? Maybe sprinkle a little crack on her Christmas pudding and blame it on your mute nephew. Grandpa Jack has Alzheimer’s? Make some shit up. The important thing is, with everyone so pre-occupied with their petty squabbles no-one will think to ask you why you’re soiling all the “good napkins” and blaming it on your lack of toilet paper.